Last night I dreamt I was camping with my family. My whole family. As in, my dad was there too. We were in a group talking when I suddenly seemed to become more aware and turned to my left and said “Dad! You’re not supposed to be here! You died!” And he smiled, placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “It’s alright, don’t worry about it.” I can’t remember how the dream continued but I woke up feeling reflective and a bit low.
I miss my Dad’s calming influence on me. How he could just put his hand on my shoulder and look me in the eye and it would just stop a panic attack in its tracks. Or if I was giving a public speech, performance onstage or just stood in front of a room of people, a bundle of nerves – my dad would be staring at me with this big old smile on his face and his eyes – oh those eyes. He believed in me and he was proud of everything I tried to do.
Even when I doubted myself, even when I felt like the biggest loser on the planet, Dad would be able to lift me up again, dust me off and tell me to carry on.
As I stood in the garden today I thought about him. Of course. I think about my dad a lot. I talk to him in my mind or sometimes aloud if I’m alone. Who knows if he hears everything I say, but for some reason it helps.
I feel lost and sad and like the feelings and promptings I used to get are just not reaching me. It’s like sadness puts up a big wall and nothing can get through it. I miss feeling complete. I hate feeling like I’m broken.
I don’t want to be broken anymore.
Grounding is a vulnerable thing to do. It is accepting that you are part of something that is bigger than you, that kind of makes you realise you’re not all that big in this world. Actually, I’m a tiny, minuscule life roaming the earth trying to make sense of it all and yet on the other hand, to the people who love me, I am the world. I am like a grain of sand on a vast beach, yet I am also the whole beach.
But in an odd way, it makes sense. I am a fan of philosophy and religion and spirituality and well…everything that involves deep thinking and promotes interesting discussion about this life and the mysteries of the universe…
I hope that one day I can make sense of it all. I hope that one day – even if it’s a day waaaaay into the future in another lifetime – I hope I get to know more than I do now. I want to know how it all began, the designs, the plot lines we all had for this life, how it worked, how to create grass like the grass I was standing on…how to form a world. It is so interesting.
Grounding did bring my thoughts right back down to Earth again and I was able to shrug off my bad mood and do the school run feeling rather relaxed. I even played Monopoly with the kids.
Roll on day thirty. Can’t believe it’s tomorrow.