At the beginning, when this blog started, I had so much to say. In fact, within 50 days I had written over 25,000 words and they were still coming thick and fast. I maintained an online presence and I felt like I was getting through this grief from losing my dad.
Then…something changed. I feel like I have been walking through a wood, it’s been a mixture of beautiful trees and twisted brambles. The floor has been rough, uneven and uncomfortable to walk on barefoot, but little daisies brighten up the pathway from time to time. I could see little glimmers of sunshine between the trees above me. As I kept moving forward through space and time, deeper into this wood, the breaks in the trees grew fewer and far between. The air has grown cold with a chilled gust of wind sweeping through the wood pushing me forward into the deep dark wood. Here, the brambles are choking the young trees beside me. The ground is full of twigs and giant splinters. Scorpions walk beneath my feet, hidden by brown fallen leaves and I am stung with nearly every step.
I am cold. The dense branches above me blanket out the sunlight and have stolen my shadow and it appears, my emotions. For the past two weeks I have been walking through life in a terrible daze with a crushing pain in my chest. Three times now I have found myself paralyzed, ears ringing, heart thumping, arms numb and tingling and my throat swollen and unable to swallow from the panic. I am so deep in this wood I sometimes fear for my life, my very existence.
What do you do when you are unable to cry anymore? It is like all the tears have dried up and the air has left my lungs. I am now experiencing anaerobic respiration. Just existing. I have to keep walking. Even though it hurts, even though it feels like I will never see the sun again, or feel the flutter in my stomach with nerves or excitement, never feel my heart swell with happiness…but I have to have hope that perhaps I will. If I just keep walking.
Like Dory’s advice to Marvin in “Finding Nemo” When life gets you down, just keep swimming.
And oh boy, has life well and truly got me down.
And these are the last of my words for a time. I have no desire nor motivation to go online for a while.
So bare with me.
As always, thank you for reading.