Laura rambles! Yay!

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I have started going to the gym again. After trying out Tai Chi, Aqua Fit and Yoga, I finally found a class that has my name written all over it.

I’ll give you a few clues….what class has:

Cheesy 80s music on top volume
Dance steps done at speed
A instructor wearing a headset and their voice booms across the room as they shout out the instructions…

Why….it’s Aerobics of course!!

I was gargling on my dissolving heart by the end of it (isn’t that a lovely image now embedded in your mind! You’re welcome!)

It was so intense, but good intense. I felt like all those endorphins rushing around my body bad my lifting in the air like Peter Pan and I could fly away from my problems and worries off to Neverland!

Tomorrow I’m trying out Pilates. Which will be quite interesting. I’m curious to see how different it is to yoga! I hear they are very similar!

Anyways, I’m basically surviving life through going to gym sessions on a near-daily basis. My stomach hurts so much I can hardly eat and have gone off snacking completely. (Not entirely a bad thing) but I do sense that I am not erm, happy inside.

Guess what, life after loss remains Horrible (with a capital H indeed!) and I don’t see it letting up any time soon.

I’m learning that while you’re in “the storm” you need to do what you can to survive. For me, it’s simplify.

Simplify. Simplify. Simplify.

At the end of the day you want to achieve these basic things; (the rest is a bonus!)

– Has everyone been fed and bathed?
– Is everyone safe?
– Are there clean dishes ready for breakfast tomorrow?
– Is there clean underwear in everyone’s drawers?
And yeah, that’s about it.

Lunch dates? I sleep at lunchtime. Grief and a new work out regime is exhausting! I take sleep as and when I can get it!

Respond to emails and messages? That can wait. Your friends understand. If they wanted immediate responses they would pick up the phone or turn up on your doorstep. Relax.

House tidy? As long as no one is tripping over wires or toys on the stairs, you’re good.

I feel like all I want to do is plonk myself on a sofa and play Fortnite with my kids. In fact, me and my three boys play in a Squad together and Yes, the housework isn’t getting done. Yes, there are literally hundreds of tasks on my to do list. But hey…forget it. These kids are always growing. One day they won’t think it’s cool to play video games with their mum. I’m going to enjoy it for a bit.

Tragic news keeps rolling in. As a family, we are under a torrent of stress and sadness. So. Much. Heartache.

Have you been through that? Or maybe you are going through it now? I want to know…is it normal to have a complete personality change? Or attitude rather….

I have ZERO tolerance for other people’s drama.

I have no interest in making new friends.

I have no interest in keeping in touch with old friends.

I have no interest in pleasing anyone. No more saying Yes to everything. No more being a push over and going along with plans.

Nope. I’m done.

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At least….for now. As we embark on an extension being built so that my mum can live with me permanently…I’m a carer to my mum. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before.

So….I homeschool, I’m a full-time carer, gym-goer, puppy raising, housewife and primary counsellor at church.

I’m still suffering with anxiety and depression, (mostly anxiety, IBS) and I somehow juggle all these titles.

And I’m still in my twenties.

I look at my friends from school in their twenties….most of them are not even married. Only a few have a mortgage.

I really can’t decide if I’m too young for this life, or too old. Every day takes so. Much. Energy.

But hey, I’ve found that if I let go of some of the pressures I put on myself (I.e. is it really necessary to fold everyone’s socks and put away the Marie Kondo way?) and embrace humour and look for those little moments in the day where you can find some happiness and joy. Like a twinkle in the sunlight. It’s so fleeting, yet it’s there.

I guess you could say I’m living for the twinkles.

Laura

Xoxo

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