Ch-ch-ch-changes!

 

Hey! So I’m back, writing another blog post! (I’m on a roll here…)

I am in a strange mood right now. It’s sort of reflective but with a hint of “I don’t give a hoot about anything” and a little bit of “I am so tired I can’t remember if I’ve brushed my teeth for bed yet.”

I feel like the daily grind is like swimming against a current. I’m trying so hard to be consistent, but alas! I am like a dragonfly, bright and colourful and loud and yet….zig zagging in all directions totally unable to focus on stick to the plan!

Part of me worries I have developed a bi-polar disorder…one minute I’m crying and feeling utter despair at life and the cruel hand of death that continues to hover over my loved ones and threaten to take someone at any moment. (Or maybe it will be me!) Other times I am laughing for an inappropriate amount of time at a joke that isn’t even that funny.

I also made up some jokes of my own, thought myself a comedian and decided to EMAIL (yes, email) Christmas Cracker manufacturing companies asking in a really loopy fashion, please may I work for them as their official Christmas Cracker Joke Writer?

Yeah. I shouldn’t be allowed near a computer. (Or phone, seeing as I am using one right now to write this post.)

I am being lead more by how I feel each day. Some days I am the most productive, domestic goddess on the planet. Making home cooked meals, folding underwear, ironing bedsheets and using Flora everywhere imaginable until the faint aroma of dog urine turns into a heavenly floral scent which makes you feel like you just stepped into (a super clean and disinfected) secret garden!

Other days I am like meh….I will take this one horizontal. There’s absolutely no need to be vertical today. In fact, I’m just going to stare up at the spinning fan on my ceiling and listen to the high pitched squealing in my ears (good old tinnitus)

and those are just the days where I stuck to the plan. Many days I am swinging one way to the other. “I am super pumped! Aerobics was awesome, gosh I have so much energy! I am going to make gluten free banana bread! Yeah!!! Go me!” *1 hour 30 minutes later* I’m passed out on the bed waking up to the smell of burning banana bread.

The nightmares have returned. Last night I was murdered. Violently. That was after witnessing some people I love being tortured in front of me. My brain is all over the place you guys.

But, never fear, because yoga is here! I am trying to do some yoga and meditation before bed – *pauses….throws head back and laughs* nope, that was a lie. I am THINKING that one day I will actually DO yoga and meditation before bed.

Thats better Laura. As Dad always used to say, better to tell the truth and shame the devil.

Man I miss him.

Its still not ok. It’s STILL so raw. And for some reason I miss him more than I have in a long time.

Life is just so blah without Dad. He laughed at my jokes. No one laughs at my jokes. He understood my quirks, he shared my mannerisms and weird thoughts about people and life. Now what I am I supposed to do? Now I’m the last of my species with my weird dark, inappropriate, totally not PC sense of humour and delight in making others feel awkward by it.

Now I walk around this Earth like an alien in disguise. But not like a professional CIA disguise, more like a cheap Halloween costume – like when you take a roll of black bags and duct tape and make yourself into a witch and go to the party to find all the other girls actually had witch costumes…

Yeah. I’m that person.

I still haven’t work it out. Life. What I’m supposed to be doing. How to make it feel more…I don’t know…more?? It just feels so stupid and empty. I’m only interested in spending time with family. Which is why I’m super excited because my sister Gemma and her family and coming to visit meee!!!! Wooo!

I do feel an urge to write again…not just a blog post…but a book or something. You know, create a world or a whole other life…about someone that is not me. Someone who is, well, whoever I want them to be!

I am not quite there yet. I haven’t managed to find the motivation to charge up my laptop yet but you know what, it’s coming. I’ll get there. Soon.

i hope.

Laura

 

xoxo

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