Conversation with a puppy: (True Story)

Daisy: Human! Human! Get me out of here!

Me: Daisy, you’re in the crate for your own safety. It’s also 4am, go back to sleep.

Daisy: I can’t sleep. The Sky is awake, so i am awake!

Me: No. I’m going back to bed.

Daisy: Don’t leave me human! Don’t you dare! I’ll cry all night if I have to!

Me: What do you want?! I dying here!

Daisy: Toilet.

Me: Hmm. You sure? You’re not pretending so you can break free from the crate and do your crazy puppy thing where you run around the house like a mad dog and try to climb my body like a cat going up a tree?

Daisy: No. Need toilet NOW

Me: Fine. Come on let’s get you out.

Daisy: Good human.

*I let Daisy out of the crate, she immediately bolts out of the room and runs around at full speed*

Me: Right, the door is open. Go out to the toilet.

Daisy: It’s dark outside.

Me: Yes. Clever girl. You’ve recognised it is dark outside and thus everyone in this house should be sleeping. But alas, you and I are not sleeping, because we are standing out in the cold waiting for you to go to the toilet yet you decide to take this time to acknowledge it is dark outside.

Daisy: I can’t go out there, I’ll just go in one of the bedrooms where it’s nice and-

Me: NO!

Daisy: But Human!! I will DIE out there! Haven’t you read the news lately? There are hedgehogs!

Me: They’re hibernating.

Daisy: There are snails!

Me: I’m pretty sure you could both outrun a snail and beat it in a street fight.

Daisy: There are cats!

Me: For goodness sake, you’re a dog, just bark at it or something. If you see a cat it’ll run away.

Daisy: Do you even KNOW cats?

Me: Just go now, no one is watching you.

Daisy: No human. I must climb your leg for safety. Why are my claws not working? I keep slipping…

Me: Because dogs don’t climb humans. That’s what cats do. And apparently you are confused about your identity.

Daisy: Human, Human! You HAVE to take me back inside.

Me: You said you needed the toilet!

Daisy: I take it all back. I didn’t mean it. I just wanted to get out and play!

Me: It’s the middle of the night! What exactly were you expecting? That I would just let you out, let you urinate on the carpet, play a little tug of war with you, present you with a silver bowl of filtered ice water – and not get mad when you splash around in it and cover the kitchen floor with paw prints! Then what? We’d snuggle in my bed and I surprise you with a new bone and tell you all night how much I love you?

Daisy: Oh human. You’re a clever girl. Yes human.

Me: This is not happening right now.

Daisy: Oh but it is.

Me: Just go to the toilet! Then we can go back inside.

Daisy: I don’t need to go. I actually already wet my bed 5 seconds before you came to get me.

Me: Really? You had to do that? You heard me coming!

Daisy: I know I heard you and got too excited to hold it in!

Me: But you told me you needed the toilet! I let you out of your crate and we’ve been standing here for ages waiting for you to go!

Daisy: I’m sorry but I’m not sorry. I love you Human. Any time I get to spend with you makes me happy.

Me: We’ve been arguing this entire time.

Daisy: Any attention is good attention. Now shall we go inside human?

Me: Fine. Here’s your water.

Daisy: It’s missing something…

Me: I’m not putting ice in it.

Daisy: I think it’s contaminated. Yes. This is definitely a few minutes old.

Me: I just changed it a minute ago.

Daisy: Hmm nope, not touching that.

Me: Fine. Ugh. Here’s new water.

Daisy: Ice cube?

Me: I’m not –

Daisy: I’ll cry all night.

Me: Fine, here’s an ice cube.

*Daisy grabs the ice cube and dances around the kitchen with it making a huge mess while it melts*

Me: Really? You had to do that?

Daisy: Did I mention I love your PJ trousers? Can I try them on?

Me: Get off! Get off! Stop tugging on them!

Daisy: Come on! We’re both awake! Live a little…

Me: I am actually dying with sleep deprivation right now.

*Five minutes of tug of war ensues*

Me: Right. You’ve had your fun. Time for bed.

Daisy: So soon? But I’m starving!

Me: Your food is right there.

Daisy: That? You expect me to eat THAT?

Me: Dog food? Yes, I expect you to eat dog food.

Daisy: How about some of that leftover chilli? I can smell it from upstairs you know.

Me: You’re not having chilli.

Daisy: I’ll settle for a bone?

Me: You haven’t even finished your old one.

Daisy: I can compromise. If you give me my old bone, I’ll be ok with that.

Me: Fine, here it is. Now time for bed.

Daisy: your bed!

Me: NO! You don’t stay on the bed anyway, and I can’t risk you getting hurt. Besides, what if you get out the bedroom and find a huge spider again?

Daisy: I’ll be fine. I’ll just wake the other human to protect us.

Me: Bad idea.

Daisy: I promise I’ll be quiet.

Me: Two minutes.

*Daisy jumps into my bed and lays across my pillow.*

Daisy: I sleep here.

Me: No. You go to the end of the bed.

Daisy: What do you think I am?

Me: You’re a dog. For goodness sake, know your place.

Daisy: Fine. Give me a second, I need to spin around in a circle 13 times in this direction, and 12 times in the other before I can settle.

Me: Just lay down!

Daisy: Fine. But I’m going to mope and stare at you from the bottom of the bed until you cave and let me sleep on your pillow.

Me: Just go to sleep.

*A cat cries from outside*

Daisy: Human. Human, did you hear that unearthly sound? It is the spawn of the devil coming to take us!

Me: Daisy, calm down. You don’t need to protect us. It’s just a cat.

Daisy: No, it sounds almost like a baby cry. Listen to that terrible wail!

Me: It’s just a cat having a good time.

Daisy: I’ll just give a warning sound to tell it to move on.

Me: Daisy, just go to sleep.

Daisy: I can’t. I’m all shaken up now. I need you to scratch my ears and tell me you love me.

Me: Fine, come here….Love you little lady.

Daisy: How much

Me: So much.

Daisy: Who’s your baby girl?

Me: You are. You’re so beautiful and smart.

Daisy: Who’s the boss?

Me: Don’t push it.

Daisy: Ok. I’m tired Human. Stop touching me.

Me: Where are you going?

Daisy: It’s 5am! I’m going to my crate silly. It’s safe and comfy and I don’t have to worry about you keeping me awake.

Me: I feel used.

Daisy: See you in a few hours Human.