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Anxiety, my evil Twin.

I like to consider myself a bubbly, happy-go-lucky kind of gal. I’m down-to-earth, happy to make friends with any one and tend not to hold any grudges. In my daily life, I’m a little fiery if you push my buttons but generally look at the beauty in the world. (Hence: Laura’s Beautiful World.)

I LOVE dancing. Like, the crazy free dancing you do in the comfort of your own home when no one is looking. Movies are my world. There’s nothing I enjoy more, than snuggling down with some goodies and watching Netflix. And I’m the type of person who gets down on the floor and plays with the kids.

But you may not know that I actually have an evil twin? (Plot twist!) She is invisible and extremely clingy to me. No one else can see her but me. (Ok, maybe she’s an imaginary frenemy?) She is:

Pessimistic and brooding. Constantly asking me to consider questions such as:

“What if you get sick? What if your husband died, right now? What if you fell over holding that knife? What if the electrics blew up the house? What if you fell asleep in the bath? What if you choked on that? What if you fell down the stairs and landed on your neck? What if you died and there was only darkness? What if this life is all a dream and you’re already dead but re-living all your memories on a loop? “

And it gets deeper and deeper and deeper until I have to do something to make her stop.

This may involve frantically cleaning the house, singing loudly, researching for a new blog post, playing Fortnite or taking a long walk in the rain. I have to escape or distract myself.

Sometimes, she gets the hint and leaves for a while. I actually feel pretty amazing. No crazy thoughts cross my mind and I’m confident!

Then…out of the blue…she’s back. “You didn’t think I was gone for good did you?” She whispers wryly.

It’s hard to say what makes her come back in my life. The triggers seem to vary day to day.

She makes me feel depressed and brooding. Two things that I am not! And I feel weak, shaken, my heart racing a million miles an hour and I am overcome with a sense of impending doom.

What worked for me yesterday, does not work today. It’s like she learns and evolves. Determined to take me down to depths of despair.

It’s a daily struggle. Some days I feel like I’m winning because her presence is not felt. On the days I feel her with me, I consider myself a failure.

Yet…just a thought…perhaps on the days she is most prevalent in my waking hours and I am still going out, smiling, carrying out my duties…perhaps, perhaps….it is those days I should feel like the greatest winner.

Regardless of it all, I know I can be considered brave.

Why?

Because to be brave, you have to be afraid.

And me?

Well, I’m terrified.

All. The. Time.

Laura

XOXO

 

Published inDaily LifeGriefhealthUncategorized

3 Comments

  1. Carla Szabo Carla Szabo

    This makes me sad Laura; sad you have to go through this and sad my daughter seems to have it too 🙁 xxx

    • The only consolation is that we can understand each other and it’s important to keep talking about it. Some how it seems to hold less power over me when I talk about it!

      • C Szabo C Szabo

        I’ll try and remember thatxx

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