As everyone is currently frantically shopping for Christmas, I thought I’d share two of my most-embarrassing and hilarious Christmas shopping experiences! Enjoy! They are true stories to make you cry – with laughter!

If you follow me on Facebook, you may remember this post I wrote up last year involving a trip to Asda and an over-sized Bear:

Well they say that laughter is the best medicine; and oh boy have I laughed tonight!!

So it all started a few weeks ago; when I was innocently strolling along the aisles of my local Asda Walmart (and being a mum of three boys; when I say “casually strolling” I mean, army marching trying to keep all boys holding the shopping cart while dodging the crowds of people and walk in a somewhat dignified straight line)

And my youngest boy, who is five, pointed up to a large display of very sweet looking bears. “mummy! I would give all my pocket money for that bear!” He exclaimed.

Having recently suffered a bereavement in the family -his grandfather to be exact, whom he referred to as his “best friend” when we had to tell him he died- my heart softened and I resolved to get one of those bears for Christmas. I could imagine my son laying on it and giving it cuddles. I reasoned it may give him a little bit of happiness in the midst of a very sad time.

The problem: this thing is GIGANTIC. I mean, when it was stacked up high on the display, it could be seen from the other end of the SUPER-market.

So, being the conservative British woman that I am; I decided to hatch a plan to retrieve one of these bears. In stealth-mode.

I considered what any self-respecting secret agent might do? And the answer seemed clear – (I have seen one too many Bond movies, it seems) Do it late at night, less people and the darkness will be my aid in doing this job discreetly.

I pulled up to my local Asda Walmart and kept my hands gripping the steering wheel, my elbows were locked and shoulders hunched as my eyes scanned the somewhat-quiet carpark. There were people sat in their cars, talking away, oblivious to my heart – which was thumping so fast it felt like it would jump out my chest and make a run for it.

I cleared my throat, remembered my drama training and decided to get into character.

I am a confident, independent woman, who can go into that supermarket, pick out a bear, pay for it and take it to the car with my head up high and dignity intact.

I marched towards the shop and spied the stand of bears to my left. So naturally, I turned right.

I wandered around the different aisles, picking up snacks as I went and slowly rounded the corner to walk towards the bears…my ears felt hot as those huge bears loomed nearer with each step I took.

It felt like all the people around me in the shop were staring at the back of my head; wondering if I dare to do it.

Suddenly, I found myself craning my neck to look up at the bear sitting way above my head, smiling. This “Big” bear, looked colossal. If it was real and gave me a hug, I would surely die.

With a gulp, I reached up and grabbed its arm. It’s soft fuzzy fur and squishiness had me imagining my five year old boy’s smile as he cuddled it.

With one quick swoop, I had the bear in the fireman’s lift over my shoulder. I figured that must look rather odd – it felt like this bear was as long as me !!! (I am 5ft 10 so by no means small!)

So I held it under the arm and put on my best “I don’t give a monkeys what you think” expression and marched to the checkout.

The next three minutes passed by like a blur, thankfully the lady at the checkout did not make a remark on the human-sized bear laying across the belt and gave me a bright smile as she wished me a lovely evening. Now that is British manners at its finest! If something looks odd, crazy or outrageously hilarious…you simply smile and pretend it’s not happening.

I marched out of the shop and made a bee-line for my car.

Turns out; this bear was a flipping hazard. It’s super soft fur made it incredibly slippery in my hands so it took everything I had to keep it from falling and still remain somewhat composed as I’m walking across the road – oh and then I found it obscured my vision of any cars so nearly got struck by one, thank goodness that didn’t happen because I could see the headline now “woman and bear get hit by car” – once I reached the car I then had to quickly work out how to transport this thing Home.

I knew one thing for sure; it was NOT riding up front with me. Imagine getting pulled over by the police?

So I decided to lay it in the back seat…no…that looked far too creepy. I figured my best bet was to put it in the back, sitting upright like a particularly cuddly passenger.

I drove home trying to suppress a fit of giggles. What i must have looked like on the CCTV footage as I messed around trying to get this giant bear into my car…

So then I got it Home. But soon realised the true side of this thing.

It took up a third of my three seater couch.

Where the heck was I going to hide it until Christmas without giving it away? It certainly was not going to fit in a wardrobe or underneath any beds.

So I decided it would have to be bagged and put in the garage. And the giggles turned into fits of laughter.

Finally, I managed to make this bear look like an unimaginable object that heaven forbid my neighbours saw me putting it in the garage, I’m sure I’ll be the subject of the next Miss Marple novel. Or maybe something more upbeat like Jonathan’s Creek…in any case. The job is done and next challenge will be Christmas Eve this giant beast needs wrapping.

Well, this year, I’ve gone and done it again!

It all started when I sat down with my husband, Ross and we looked at the presents we had for our children. You know, the yearly ritual of checking that everyone has been given equal amounts and no one has ended up with a tiny pile of presents. Every year we panic buy. It doesn’t matter how soon I complete my Christmas shopping, Ross and I always make some crazy last-minute purchases for fear of “not getting enough” presents for our brood!

This was no different. I ventured into Asda at 10pm last night and dragged the trolley round the store feeling like an extra on the Walking Dead. As I was looking at Christmas decorations, a dog caught my eye.

It was a “Fureal” puppy. It came with cute super hero outfits and masks. And it was on sale! Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

I plonked the cute puppy in my trolley and it said something cute like “hey there!l” and it’s ears and head moved. “Cool!” I thought to myself as I started walking to the men’s clothing section. My six year old son was going to love this puppy!

It was all going so well, when this puppy suddenly developed only what I can describe as Tourette’s! That isn’t to offend anyone, but the puppy would be silent and randomly shout out short sentences at an unusually high volume. Passers-by would look over at me oddly at the creepy “look at me! Come over here!” Voice coming from my trolley.

If this wasn’t enough, to deal with the embarrassment of my trolley now acting as a home beacon for everyone around me in the shop, this puppy developed an unfortunate case of flatulence.

I need to add a bit of back story for you to fully appreciate the situation here. So I’m laura, miss-modest. My husband and I have been married nearly 11 years and I would be absolutely mortified if I were to break-wind in front of him. He is the same. In fact, we have an unspoken rule that if anything did accidentally happen, it would be simply ignored.

There is little that embarrasses me. But flatulence is top of the list.

So imagine this toy, shouting “hey there! Come and look at me!” And then proceeds to make the loudest fart noise I have ever heard, complete with a little squeal at the end.

Not only were people beginning to stare at me now. They were smiling with amusement.

You’d think that was bad right? It gets worse.

Once the puppy makes this offensive noise, and everyone in my proximity is promptly staring at my crimson face….the puppy has one last thing to say.

“Oops! Who did that? Wasn’t me!” Was shouted after the fart. Said in the most silly, teasing voice on the planet.

Ground – swallow – me – up.

People were full on chuckling now.

The whole cycle repeated itself. I frantically tried to find the “off” switch but the puppy only kept talking to me! Saying “I love it when you stroke me!” And other weird phrases. The box says “responds to movement and touch!” I stuffed the puppy back into the trolley and zoomed around the store with tunnel vision trying to ignore the stares and laughter coming from around me at every “who did that? Wasn’t me!” Noise.

The puppy is currently sitting in the back of my car, waiting to be wrapped. Problem is, I do not know how to wrap it and bring it into the house without it constantly breaking wind and talking!

Three days til Christmas. I’m sure my kid will love it, but it has been by far the most-stressful present I’ve ever bought.

Happy Christmas Shopping. Hope you enjoyed these true stories that will make you cry – with laughter. For me, they just make me cry. 😅😅

Laura

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What are your funniest Christmas shopping moments?