Ok, get ready. Laura’s back with another crazy story about the gym! In case you missed my hilarious – and my most-read blog post to DATE – titled “New Gym, New Me,” you can catch up on it here before reading this one. I promise you, it’s worth a read first. When I’m having a down day, sometimes I like to just give it a read if only to laugh at myself. LOL
So, I joined the gym and last month I lost 38 pounds…and I didn’t even go to the gym!! Now, I would love to lose 38 pounds in weight, instead of currency. But hey, I’m not going to achieve that by sitting on my bed snacking on Oreos whilst binge-watching watching Suits. Heck, I’m not even going to lose that weight by scrolling through social media and watching videos of other people working out. (You know you do this too, I’m not the only weirdo who watches a super fit woman do 20 press-ups, 50 squats, and 30 cattle-bells and feels done for the day.)
So, this morning I grabbed my new gym gear courtesy of Just Strong and readied myself for a workout to sweat out the nasty toxins built up in my body and get over the virus I’ve been suffering from.
There is something about throwing on a pair of ultra-stretchy cargo leggings that makes you feel like you’re unstoppable.
So, I got dressed, packed an Asda bag-for-life with clothes to change into and a towel, and got into the car this morning, ready to make some positive changes!
After doing a simple home blood test, I learned that my cholesterol is a little high and that I need to make some lifestyle changes! (turns out Netflix and snacking do not make a person healthy, go-figure.)
So I strutted through the doors (remembering to PUSH the door this time, rather than stand there gormlessly trying to pull on it and not getting anywhere.) With Hugh Jackman singing “Come Alive” into my ears and my heart was beating faster than a runaway train. (Steady girl, you haven’t even made it up the stairs yet – I told myself)
I’m a numbers gal. I love numbers. And my latest book, “Love Me, Crazy” is climbing the best selling charts so I’m all about putting it out to the universe to get my book on the #1 spot and guess what number locker was free for me? (Despite all of the lockers around it were already in-use.)
Yeah, baby. It’s a sign.
I did wonder if the locker was jinxed, broken or would spontaneously combust if I used it, but nope. It locked perfectly fine and returned my pound coin with no issues.
So I strolled into the gym to find it absolutely heaving. I guess everyone is on the whole “New Year, New Me,” band-wagon and hadn’t given up yet. (Give it a couple more weeks, it’ll be quieter with only the hardcore gym-goers again.)
I do not know why, but I always feel completely stupid at the gym. Like, everyone knows how to use the machines, everyone has a gym-buddy and everyone is a lot fitter than me. I can’t be the only one who feels this way, but to counter these negative feelings I go into Academy Award-winning actress – mode and pretend I am a total BOSS at the gym.
So you know, I do the obligatory gym selfie.
Then I look around with a bored – don’t mind me, I’m just here to be awesome – look on my face, with my shoulders squared and my legs swaggering because these thighs are chunky from 100% muscle and this booty is from doing 1000s of squats, rather than lifting 10s of donuts over Christmas.
I couldn’t find a free running machine, so I settled for a mountain bike. It’s fine, I told myself. I like bikes. So I closed my eyes, listened to The Greatest Show and peddled my – unhealthy – heart out. At the end of the third song, I opened my eyes, panting and sweaty with my legs burning and to my absolute DISGUST, the computer said I had lost a measly 25 calories. 25 CALORIES. That’s not even half of the KitKat I ate for breakfast. (Hashtag: Clean eating. LOL)
So I gave the bike a look of contempt and said “I reject you!” as I dismounted the bike like it was a horse and staggered around the gym like a cowboy, feeling like my legs were going to give way at any moment.
I looked around the gym to see what machines were free and noticed a woman pressing two large pads together with her inner thighs and silently applauded her for showing superior kegel muscles than me. As a 30-year-old, mother of 3, trying out that machine would be social suicide. So I kept walking.
I tentatively walked over to the weight-lifting people. Oh, my life. They are a whole different breed of gym-goers, I tell you. All serious and Muscle-y. I considered joining them in front of the wall mirror and picking up a dumbbell to do some bicep curls while staring at myself intently in the mirror like everyone else. Then I realised that if I tried to do that, one – there was a dangerously high risk that I would pick up a dumbbell that is too heavy for me to lift, and two, I would laugh. Oh, how I would laugh.
So, I settled myself down on a rowing machine, instead!
I got into a nice rhythm on the rowing machine and closed my eyes as I listened to another song and silently sang along:
Right here, right now
I put the offer out
I don’t want to chase you down
I know you see it
You run with me
And I can cut you free
I was smiling broadly to myself and mouthing “Don’t you wanna get away…” when I opened my eyes to see one of the weight-lifting giants was sitting across from me and staring at me with an amused smile on his face.
Horror.
Oh, Laura.
Off I went, across the other side of the gym and back to the treadmills. Thankfully, there was one free. So, I settled myself on a treadmill and admired the view.
I had to surreptitiously take photos by a man who was being guided by a personal trainer next to me. Because, if I don’t take photos, these things never happen – right?
When I walked off the treadmill my legs were like jelly. I wobbled – yes wobbled – across the gym floor to the changing rooms and shakily got into my swimsuit and jumped in the showers. (not literally) A few minutes later and I basically fell into the pool, it was warm and I was buoyant, It was like I had just become enveloped in a pot of warm custard. (Yes, all my analogies are food.) I swam a few laps and loved every moment. I was born to be in the water. It’s so soothing and freeing. My aching muscles sighed with relief as they were unburdened by my weight, and I love how it feels like you’re flying, held up by the billions of water particles. (I’m not a scientist, if that’s science fiction, just let it go.)
I decided to finish off my experience in the sauna. You know, to detoxify and de-stress. As I opened the door, a red light filled my senses and the song “The Power of Love,” was roaring from the speakers hidden by steam. There were four men all seated in the sauna and I had to stop myself from laughing, these grown men sitting in a red sauna listening to “The Power of Love,” it just cracked me up.
I sat down very carefully, one cheek at a time, to avoid the unfortunate noise that would make other people think I was overcome with a bout of flatulence. (A WET SWIMMING COSTUME AND SAUNA BENCHES DO NOT MIX!!!!) And then I played the unspoken game of chicken. You know, where you try to still in longer than the person who came in before you.
When I finally left the sauna, I felt a little light-headed, but triumphant (because I won, of course,) and went over to the shower next to the sauna. This is basically the grand finale. A COLD shower, right in front of all the swimmers and people chilling in the jacuzzis. You’ve got to remember, things are chilled out and serious at the gym. You can’t stand under the shower and shriek and scream and do a river dance as the ice cold water feels like icy daggers attacking your skin. No. You’ve got to just take the shock and pain. It’s like the ultimate poker-face test. Like a public ice-bucket challenge. And you’ve got to act cool, doing it.
I feel awesome having gone to the gym today. Mentally strong, physically starving and I can’t wait to go back again.
Where are my gym-goers at? Tell me about your latest visit in the comments! And if this account made you smile, go ahead and share this so your friends can smile too. 🙂
Laura
XoXo
